Monday, September 5, 2011

Burning Off a Little Back to School Anxiety

I did it! Day Two if the C25K program successfully completed! "Graceful as a gazelle" isn't a phrase anyone is going to use to describe my running ability any time soon. "Gasping Granny" might be more appropriate, but so what. I do it at night and nobody has to watch if they don't want to. (Frankly, I'd be worried if someone did want to watch!) 

I can't imagine being able to run 5K in the next 7 or 8 weeks, but that's not my primary goal anyway. I look forward to achieving that milestone, but I have to admit that I really like the 30 minutes of solitude. Other than the few cars driving by, and the occasional dog walker, it's just me, doing something for myself by myself. It feels really good, even with this huge freaking blister on my foot.

A walk-run was a perfect diversion tonight. I'm anxious about the start of school and while I was out there tonight I realized why. It's more than just hoping that Jonas fits in and does well, although those are huge concerns. It's about control. School supplies and homework area are organized, backpack is packed and ready to go, the groceries are put away and the meal plan is in place. Now it's time for me to LET GO! I've got morning duty now and the rest is out of my hands. I won't be home for afternoon pick-ups, homework or dinner prep anymore. Steve is going to quarterback that stuff. This isn't about trusting him either. I have no doubt that he'll do a great job, and I'm actually looking forward to seeing his relationship with Jonas blossom as they spend more time together.

What I figured out tonight is that I'm feeling a loss of a huge part of my identity. Taking care of Jonas has been my primary role for the last four years, and for more than half of his life. It's not that I don't think he can manage without me. Quite the opposite is true actually. It's just that I haven't yet figured out how to fill that void. The question I'm wrestling with is "How do we keep the close bond we have with so much less time together?"

I had to laugh when I realized that this is my burning issue at the same time that I'm working so hard to carve out solitary time for myself.  Oh the joys of motherhood!



  1. I wrote some long note to you about balancing work/family/running blah blah blah... and I deleted it. I'm trying to keep things simple and direct in my life. Therefor, you are a good mum Jac and it's obvious to all that you work hard at it cuz you are present with it and it worries the crap out of you. Enjoy the journey. Enough said. xox

  2. Thank Bones! That means a lot to me!